happy new year. over the years i've developed a particular neurosis that makes me untrustworthy of others. i'm just beginning to understand how deep it goes. i've been trying to break out of my shell for years now. fostering an identity in this day and age, amidst my own expectations and doubts, has felt like trying to raise flowers from cracks in a weathered sidewalk. after a brief period on social media sites, i've felt a lack of control over my thoughts and emotions; an inability to control impulses in a way that appeases my appetite for creation and expression. having a platform in which i could post my every thought the moment it entered my subconscious, from a device that fit into my palm, was perhaps not the healthiest thing for me. nevertheless, i will miss the many words i became so accustomed to seeing, the paths which i crossed along the way. i'm slowly making my way back to my hermetic roots on the net, with a returning appreciation for blogging. i have some ideas.

i’ve made a lot of progress on myself since when i started this journal. at least it feels that way. i’m trying to train my attention span and read more. i should be dedicating these entries to my experience, not just abstract thought. i want something more structured than “i played this game today,” or even “i’m feeling sad.” i need to make my writing more alluring. nevertheless, i’m back to this site, entirely different from when i left. i have been exploring art much more enthusiastically. i’ve found some friends online and offline. i’ve explored more of my identity and i’ve formed new interpretations of spiritual thought. i’ve learned to love harder, to regret less. yet, here is this abandoned remnant of me, one of my dearest achievements. i can’t turn away from such an opportune portfolio of expression. no, i must adorn it further. this is my lighthouse. ‘til next time

^_^_^ i'm back!!! i made a new button for the site using 3-bit rgb x3 my creative juices have been flowing recently and i'm actually putting out art now! this site was pretty much abandoned but i wanted to return to my roots so i'm going to try to be a bit more active on here if i can help it. i'm thinking of adding an art page...

might've lost some dear friends to it today. feels more in touch with itself online, maybe even offline. has a louder voice now, does what it wants. working on things. coming back now and then feels nice :)

trying to do more religious study. in my understanding, religions that practice extensive meditation (e.g. sanatana dharma, buddha dharma, daojiao) most likely hold their own wealths of knowledge that can ease my spiritual turmoil and help me find respite from mortal woes (even if i ultimately reject many of their teachings).

driving an hour away to attend a wedding. i'm so nervous i hate being in traffic. and i don't really know the family. but i get to walk through a garden with someone i love (even if i may be too drowsy to enjoy it) so who knows how this will pan out.

turns out it wasn't that bad, i just loosened a bunch of components. my partner compares my mood swings to a cat. i'm flippant one minute and calm the next. i still think it's better than staying upset for too long. in other news, i've started playing doom wads. when i gain the energy i'm updating my games page. i wish i knew how to start conversations because i want to listen to others for a change. scattered entry today.

broke my pc in a fit of rage. idk how bad it is. everything feels wrong. i escape into lives i haven't lived in order to cope with the one i'm forcing on myself. i'm too scared to act unless it's to hurt others emotionally or punish myself. i hope i wake up from this horrible dream.

scared of people Knowing me. nagging voice in my head tells me to avoid creativity and desire, to avoid passions lest i let my mask slip and they Know me. always putting up a facade of unassuming nothingness around others, and trying to attune myself to their wants and needs in order to be properly subservient so that i may survive. afraid one day the mask will slowly become me and assume control, or i will retaliate out of desperation.

we finished mad father yesterday. our beloved used to draw art of it as a child and we've wanted to indulge in more rpgmaker stories (as to inspire us and pay tribute to this art form) so we started our little marathon here. lovely game. the puzzles were very kind while still puzzling us enough to be enjoyable. by the end, our hard work felt like it had paid off. we loved its grim nature (and all the talk of dolls ^^). we hope to better chronicle our descent, but that will have to wait.

someone contacted me in such a way that made me think there was a very broad leak of my very personal data, so i ended up clearing a lot of my notes (important passwords and stuff) which made me very sad today. now i’ll have to go through more trouble on the business/life end of things, all because someone i hardly know contacted me out of the blue. not to mention my provider is a little too earnest about sharing all of my data to the cloud. i usually opt out of that sort of thing but i can’t obsessively check all of my settings all of the time.
...frustrating. in retrospect, we're not even sure it wasn't a spam message.

hello. a lot has happened since the last entry. more relationships and connections, all very exhaustive. these things sort of fall in my lap and i would rather seek them out, but i am too fearful i suppose. i've made more progress in my modelling, although i still have much more to do. i've been playing rabbit and steel. it's a very fun game with cute girls and a very polite community. it helps when i'm tense. i love mino's art. the thought occurred to me that this site might have brought someone momentary joy. in fact, i'm sure it has. we feel accomplished for this. maybe in the future when we aren't around it can bring someone else momentary joy. everything ends eventually. this is a prominent theme in because the internet, which we've been immersed in. we've been trying to build a world for some time.

we've been learning 3d modeling behind the scenes for some time now. we wanted to create a rig for a game and/or animation, but we're so chronically unproductive that all we have is this silly little pair of legs. we weren't going to reveal it until it was finished, but logging this small milestone may encourage us enough to finish it i suppose.

reading my old entries upsets me. i feel like i could not be more of a different person than i was when i wrote them, but deep down i know nothing has really changed (other than my attitude towards blogging i suppose). i plan on clearing out some of those entries, and re-styling my blog (i deleted my css and i don't feel like finding the backup). i long for an existence that feels quaint, and i plan on rearranging my website to reflect that aspect, as well as keep some of the before. we have recovered the lost entry from the tenth of this month. in simple terms, we talked on our plurality and Caves of Qud. we like the very minor character, Wardens Esther, as they're a creative and accurate portrayal of plurality. i feel the game depicts plurality is such a respectable way. our own existence is similar, in that we unite under one name. i don't quite understand the difference between what we and those with established alters experience, but being in a relationship with someone of that variety certainly helps. we really do enjoy Caves of Qud, and find ourselves sinking hours into it often. we rarely seem to get past level 10, however.

venting. we can't make friends online or offline because not only does it scare us but we have so many antisocial tendencies. and our hobbies are becoming too much for us. we dream of moving somewhere far away where we can find community in spades. it feels as if our upbringing was a death sentence. we have just typed over our last entry. we are furious.

i wish i could wrap my head around creating art. i am really struggling with emotions i cant share in any way except through my art, but the process of becoming a better artist eludes me. it all seems like something i can't dedicate enough time or attention to no matter how hard i try. ironically it's probably due to the same emotions driving me towards creating. i'm so spiritually sick from growing older and not creating. it all feels like my fault, since it all starts and ends with me. childishly, i want to blame anything else. i feel like wasted potential personified. dreadful.

hi all. it's been a year since i've started this journal. my partner has taken up mycology.

i made some really good looking pages a week ago but i’m afraid to add them to my site since i based them off of someone else’s code. i wish i actually knew what i was doing. today has been difficult so far. i had to go through some appearance changes for reasons. i’m not comfortable with them but they were ultimately my decision and i can’t reverse them right now. my mood is sour. i started watching rahxephon today. it’s so pretty, i’m in love. it feels like an evangelion clone, but it’s also a totally unique work that i recommend you check out (especially if you love absurdist mecha or that y2k look a lot of 2000s anime had). i don’t edit my anime pages much but if i ever do i will add that ending. i keep upsetting people around me and in turn they make me more anxious: a relentless cycle.

foolish april, dear transients. i am having an uneventful day, aside from an early meeting that caused me to lose so much sleep. soon, i will put all of my letterboxd reviews here, since i am actively logging them there. i like this website, and it's much more public. i am not much more than the media i consume, so i might as well share all of it u kno :)

saw end of eva in theaters last night. i feel intense melancholy at what was, for me, an almost spiritual experience, knowing it will only last once. i guess that's not how i was supposed to understand it.

first entry of the new year. and on valentine's day. how 'bout that. steam started offering up rpg maker xp for free so i'm taking advantage of that and trying to design my first rpg. once i complete it, i can prove to myself that i'm ready to tackle more ambitious projects. i need to guide myself like the child i am, otherwise i'll continue to be a slave to Impulse. (it's both a blessing and a curse that xp became free the week after i bought 2003. that engine was too archaic and obtuse for me.) i like the colors i chose for my homepage. eye-bleeding-neon-on-black invokes a certain eerie yet nostalgic feeling in me. it reminds me of that one world in yume nikki, with the faces on the floor and repeating rooms. ahhhh~

jailbroke my fat ps3. highly recommend it. there are lots of good, comprehensive videos on it. i recommend running evilnat cobra firmware on it with the multiman homebrew. works like a charm. i've been using FTP to download games on it. i put my armored core iso and converted the save file format so i could pick up where i left off in duckstation. i'm gonna get drakengard and ffxiii running eventually. it's really the ultimate entertainment system now. i'm just hoping it's lifespan is a little longer than my last fat ps3, especially since it's a used one. i think the site might stay like this for a while. i'll update it eventually; i predict an inevitable return. i really should have started it as a basic html blog, but it's too late for that now.

schrödinger's girl. nothing in my life really has any significance to me. i feel more alone than ever, outlook very bleak. i don’t feel real. perhaps i feel too real. i see behind the veil now. i traded my sanity for freedom. i fail to express myself in ways that matter. my hopes and dreams died long ago. this is my digital obituary. my haunting grounds. i don’t feel tangible. my presence is faint. i am a ghost. i'm reluctant to give up. i don’t know why i’m still here. something keeps telling me to stay, to persist.

hello again ^_^ i've been taking more time away from my keyboard to spend with loved ones, while also focusing on things that matter to my mental state, such as keeping my room clean and prioritizing self-care. i've been doing a good job at keeping my mind from finding reasons to get anxious, something it does when i don't feel productive or stay happy for too long. that might sound sorta bad but in reality i've been listening to it and approaching it with logic and compassion, telling myself things like "while all of those things are concerning, you are more than capable of tackling them at a slow but steady pace, and eventually you will meet your goals one by one." it wasn't easy getting to this point, and i may relapse into my old habits of anxiety and self-doubt, but i've accepted that as part of the process. i'm still healing. i had been testing some ideas for my new stuff, but today i went in a different direction. every time i try to create a new site, i end up copying large chunks of a better site's code. this bothers me because i want to enjoy the fruits of my own effort, not someone else's. i will admit, this site started out as a template, but it has undergone so many drastic changes it is almost indistinguishable in every way. but, i digress. i saw the barbie movie. it was enjoyable. it felt like an ad trying to be more than an ad. ryan gosling and margot robbie were great casting choices. a good comedy, with some feels. it's worth seeing. probably more fun and creative than other movies in theaters here right now, anyways. i still have some qualms, but organizing my thoughts is hard right now. my partner was/is really into barbie, so it'll remain special to me for that reason.

just started armored core from the beginning and woah i fucking love this game!!! not only do i get to play as a mercenary without a moral or political alignment, but upon losing all of my money my character is fused with my mech and given a serial number for a name?? good heavens (๑/////๑ " )

playing hitman games a lot. i’ve only completed the WoA trilogy. i went back and tried out codename 47. that game has not aged very well. there is something pleasant about looking up and seeing all four corners of a skybox. i feel like i should strip my site bare. i had a beer and hot dogs for dinner. i love cheap, bottled beer the most. i just like the taste. it pairs well with most foods. i came up with an idea for a creative writing entry. i want to explore this kind of expression. i probably won’t finish though. real boring entry today lol

finally made a games page :3 was gonna work on the games page but got caught up watching tiktoks and ryan gosling movies (he’s so dreamy uwu) i basically forced my SO to watch blade runner 2049 w me and they liked it (btw i swear that movie gets better with every rewatch). we tried watching la la land but only got halfway through. i really liked it. anyways yeah i have a games page !!!!!!!! i’m gonna log my games there, most will have reviews some maybe won’t. i’m gonna play eroges too lol. after all that’s like 90% of pc-98 games. i hope that’s ok to expose my followers to. most of them i think i’ll keep sfw but hey art is art and if i see something i like whether it be cool or hot i’ll prob put it up there. i like all kinds of games. there’s so many classics i haven’t played, such as silent hill or any of the resident evils except for RE2 Remake and like 30 minutes of RE HD. idk why i listed those specifically but yeah most games from that era i’ve missed out on. i have to emulate most of my games and i didn’t really get to play any of the good games when i had a ps1 or xbox before they both died from the inside out.

sketch i did, christmas eve of 2022

i’ve been trying to practice drawing in ibispaint but i have the skill of an infant. this has been such an arduous task for me and i can’t feel myself getting better at all. i just want to make cool graphics for my site (つ﹏⊂) clock tower!!! Σ(°ロ°) clock tower is getting remastered!!!!!!! i’m a huge huge huuuuuge clock tower (snes) fan! it fills me with excitement knowing it’ll become briefly relevant again. it’s such a good game. even with it’s flaws it still sort of stands the test of time, and now it gets to be ironed out and ported to my favorite modern console of choice! yippee (≧∀≦)!!! tho honestly i don’t know how i feel about Wayforward/LRGs involvement, but i’m sure it’ll turn out good regardless! ,,,and if it isn’t i can just play the game again with the deluxe romhack :P i’m reading the gundam novels right now. i appreciate the differences from the anime. the world is much more fleshed out and the novel begins with Amuro as a cadet for the EFSF instead of becoming one out of circumstance. everything is described in great detail. war is depicted much more graphically. the novel, at one point in the second chapter, describes the g-force Amuro is put under when he boost jumps in the Gundam, which really immersed me in the setting. it invoked a strange feeling which gave me nostalgia for other classic sci-fi novels i’ve read. i’d say this is a good entry point for western audiences. the zakus that invade side 7 (called zaks in the novel) are white instead of green, which makes me want to start my inevitable gunpla collection with a custom white zaku.

what’s a synonym for manic boredom? like the type of bored where you throw yourself at an activity for a period of time and when it ends you feel a sort of fiery panic within, feeling as if it will last indefinitely. the type of boredom you only feel in a really low mental state. that’s the kind of boredom i’m dealing with right now. it’s sort of why i made this website i think. to help alleviate some of it. it’s not really working for me lately which is why i’ve been away. finding my cliques is hard because i’m paranoid and schizotypal and i have delusions that somehow talking about myself publicly will harm me in one way or another. sometimes i feel like i try too hard to be someone i’m not because of this. [candle talks about being therian] i want to clarify what that means for me in particular. it’s sort of like a mentality. i’m neurodivergent and i tackle concepts and ideas from a very literal perspective. to put it very simply, i accept my own humanity, but i don’t subscribe to a lot of arbitrary bullshit that “humans” believe about themselves. if we collectively phased some of that shit out we’d be better off mentally, physically and spiritually. but we probably won’t, and that will likely be our own downfall somewhere down the line. for that reason, i’m mammal first, human second. it’s like a way for me to remind myself to not let arbitrary bullshit consume my life and ruin what i hold sacred, to act on instinct when need be, to remain pragmatic in the face of dogmatism (at least, that’s what i think i’m trying to say). an act of rebellion, so to speak. it’s more of a secondary characteristic of mine that i’m exploring recently.

so today on the way back from taking my partner to the urgent care clinic we got hit by a car. luckily the damage wasn’t substantial.

i got my NES working in the early morning today. i think there is an issue with the 72 pin connector, so i’m getting it replaced with a newly manufactured one. it should last a lot longer. after all of that, i’ll save up for a knockoff flash cart that i can import roms with. i want to get the most functionality out of it and cheaply refurbish the entire thing. the whole transient thing just started one day. the word resonates with me. that’s what our existence is, after all: impermanent, constantly on the move. i anticipate the types of people i’ll run into and the places i’ll go on my own journey.

yesterday i watched Cardcaptor Sakura with a friend. CLAMP’s older stuff has been catching my eye for some time. wifi will be out for two more days. after being online for so long this feels a little uncomfortable. i managed to get some use out of a mobile hotspot but it’s very bad and i can’t use it for much. it worked just long enough for me to watch Army of Darkness yesterday so that was pretty cool. i’m getting pretty far in Victory Gundam. i’ve been watching all of Gundam blind, in release order. i like the show but it still manages to somehow only be slightly more memorable than ZZ (albeit more fun to watch). i’m hoping it grows on me before the end. i’m on episode 35 and the pace has started to pick up a substantial amount.