having an absolutely normal one today. my angst will never leave me but i can shelve it for now and dust it off later. looking for a good starting point in game dev. trying to develop a useful mindset towards my art. we struggle with an idea that anything creative and not productive is destructive, which is hindering our creative processes. it's an involuntary response to a harsh environment. anyways, looking for an entry point that we're satisfied with has been a bit exhaustive. right now we're looking towards fps games similar to id software. starting off making mods might help cultivate skills that would prove useful in the future. as a collective our interests are too disorganized to discipline ourselves. finding a path takes a reasonable amount of thought, staying is a monumental feat. it's the same reason our site is so disorganized. regardless, the fact that we can focus on art at all means that we've found momentary respite from the psychological anguish i've been experiencing recently.

reading forum posts and finding that people leading lives similar to mine eventually find happiness by building on themselves through their studies, work or interests until they shine as brightly as others around them, making them more approachable. i feel as if the ones i care about most are either dimming my light or turning away. it sounds selfish and i also understand it’s not their purpose to help me. the one dimming my light is the one i care about most. i don’t know how much longer i can keep this up. it’s all closing in. i long for companionship in these trying times, the kind that doesn’t feel like a dagger pointed at my nape. i can’t nurture my flame. it gently flickers in the dark... i’m weary is all.

turns out it wasn't that bad, i just loosened a bunch of components. my partner compares my mood swings to a cat. i'm flippant one minute and calm the next. i still think it's better than staying upset for too long. in other news, i've started playing doom wads. when i gain the energy i'm updating my games page. i wish i knew how to start conversations because i want to listen to others for a change. scattered entry today.

broke my pc in a fit of rage. idk how bad it is. everything feels wrong. i escape into lives i haven't lived in order to cope with the one i'm forcing on myself. i'm too scared to act unless it's to hurt others emotionally or punish myself. i hope i wake up from this horrible dream.

to no one in particular,

i'm sorry for how we left things. i lacked the serenity to end things on good terms, regardless of our disagreement. i hope we both plant our feet where we stand and grow upwards, parallel to each other, even after being uprooted.

scared of people Knowing me. nagging voice in my head tells me to avoid creativity and desire, to avoid passions lest i let my mask slip and they Know me. always putting up a facade of unassuming nothingness around others, and trying to attune myself to their wants and needs in order to be properly subservient so that i may survive. afraid one day the mask will slowly become me and assume control, or i will retaliate out of desperation.

we finished mad father yesterday. our beloved used to draw art of it as a child and we've wanted to indulge in more rpgmaker stories (as to inspire us and pay tribute to this art form) so we started our little marathon here. lovely game. the puzzles were very kind while still puzzling us enough to be enjoyable. by the end, our hard work felt like it had paid off. we loved its grim nature (and all the talk of dolls ^^). we hope to better chronicle our descent, but that will have to wait.

someone contacted me in such a way that made me think there was a very broad leak of my very personal data, so i ended up clearing a lot of my notes (important passwords and stuff) which made me very sad today. now i’ll have to go through more trouble on the business/life end of things, all because someone i hardly know contacted me out of the blue. not to mention my provider is a little too earnest about sharing all of my data to the cloud. i usually opt out of that sort of thing but i can’t obsessively check all of my settings all of the time.
...frustrating. in retrospect, we're not even sure it wasn't a spam message.

came out to a queer coworker because i'm so tired of keeping that part of me boxed in all the time. i came to know them (the whole of it) through a friend of a friend and i wanted to be honest about it as i'm sure that would be an uncomfortable situation for them, but in turn i might've injured their security a bit. it is so frustrating that in order to feel at ease i most likely sacrificed someone else's comfort in the process. i can only hope this isn't as tragic as i contemplate it being. i'm just tired of cowering at everything. i just want to take charge. i just can't help but ask myself what's worth it anymore.

driving home at night after another closing shift, crying at songs and understanding why but not knowing how to put it into words. sometimes music holds spiritual significance in ways that aren't clear. sometimes sound speaks louder than words, and words hold countless meanings. this time we are reminded of how we continue. despite everything, we continue. almost aimlessly. however, not everything does. but right now we do, and that means everything.

hello. a lot has happened since the last entry. more relationships and connections, all very exhaustive. these things sort of fall in my lap and i would rather seek them out, but i am too fearful i suppose. i've made more progress in my modelling, although i still have much more to do. i've been playing rabbit and steel. it's a very fun game with cute girls and a very polite community. it helps when i'm tense. i love mino and their art. the thought occurred to me that this site might have brought someone momentary joy. in fact, i'm sure it has. we feel accomplished for this. maybe in the future when we aren't around it can bring someone else momentary joy. everything ends eventually. this is a prominent theme in because the internet, which we've been immersed in. we've been trying to build a world for some time.

we've been learning 3d modeling behind the scenes for some time now. we wanted to create a rig for a game and/or animation, but we're so chronically unproductive that all we have is this silly little pair of legs. we weren't going to reveal it until it was finished, but logging this small milestone may encourage us enough to finish it i suppose.

reading my old entries upsets me. i feel like i could not be more of a different person than i was when i wrote them, but deep down i know nothing has really changed (other than my attitude towards blogging i suppose). i plan on clearing out some of those entries, and re-styling my blog (i deleted my css and i don't feel like finding the backup). i long for an existence that feels quaint, and i plan on rearranging my website to reflect that aspect, as well as keep some of the before. we have recovered the lost entry from the tenth of this month. in simple terms, we talked on our plurality and Caves of Qud. we like the very minor character, Wardens Esther, as they're a creative and accurate portrayal of plurality. i feel the game depicts plurality is such a respectable way. our own existence is similar, in that we unite under one name. i don't quite understand the difference between what we and those with established alters experience, but being in a relationship with someone of that variety certainly helps. we really do enjoy Caves of Qud, and find ourselves sinking hours into it often. we rarely seem to get past level 10, however.

venting. we can't make friends online or offline because not only does it scare us but we have so many antisocial tendencies. and our hobbies are becoming too much for us. we dream of moving somewhere far away where we can find community in spades. it feels as if our upbringing was a death sentence. we have just typed over our last entry. we are furious.

i wish i could wrap my head around creating art. i am really struggling with emotions i cant share in any way except through my art, but the process of becoming a better artist eludes me. it all seems like something i can't dedicate enough time or attention to no matter how hard i try. ironically it's probably due to the same emotions driving me towards creating. i'm so spiritually sick from growing older and not creating. it all feels like my fault, since it all starts and ends with me. childishly, i want to blame anything else. i feel like wasted potential personified. dreadful.

listening to: ヴァルゴ - kiichi

although i feel like i might’ve acknowledged it in the past, i have come to terms with the fact that i am likely schizoaffective. this has led to a lot of interesting conclusions about my identity and the steps i should take going forward. on a tangentially related note, i classify myself as otherkin, possibly even as a system. i’m candle. i possess a physical form that i share with similar constructs, some dramatic and some very plain. only two that i’m aware of have interfered in my domain, unbeknownst to me. they may make themselves known later, with my permission of course. i am very territorial however, so chances are slim. it’s pesky enough keeping everything tidy as is.

hi all. it's been a year since i've started this journal. my partner has taken up mycology. on a completely unrelated note, psilocybin does wonders for the schizoautistic mind. my friend's birthday is tomorrow and i'm excited to see him ^_^

i made some really good looking pages a week ago but i’m afraid to add them to my site since i based them off of someone else’s code. i wish i actually knew what i was doing. today has been difficult so far. i had to go through some appearance changes for reasons. i’m not comfortable with them but they were ultimately my decision and i can’t reverse them right now. my mood is sour. i started watching rahxephon today. it’s so pretty, i’m in love. it feels like an evangelion clone, but it’s also a totally unique work that i recommend you check out (especially if you love absurdist mecha or that y2k look a lot of 2000s anime had). i don’t edit my anime pages much but if i ever do i will add that ending. i keep upsetting people around me and in turn they make me more anxious: a relentless cycle.

foolish april, dear transients. i am having an uneventful day, aside from an early meeting that caused me to lose so much sleep. soon, i will put all of my letterboxd reviews here, since i am actively logging them there. i like this website, and it's much more public. i am not much more than the media i consume, so i might as well share all of it u kno :)

the day started 5 minutes ago but oh well. i'm capable at my job now and no longer afraid of people as much as i was. it still persists in things like my inability to "small talk" but i'm also learning that many. many humans are just bad at talking and it isn't so much my problem as it is theirs. i feel more confident. this routine i find myself in is much more bareable, so now i can work on the things i'm passionate about when i feel like it. i want to clean up this site a bit. i think i just hate coding though, but really who doesn't when they start. i also think i desperately seek results and could stand to be more patient. i can recall every step in my life that has brought me to this point. my own lived experiences taunt me as i grow stronger every day. i'm trying to improve at traditional rogelikes. this time i'm playing infra arcana. oh, and i have my pc up and running! there was actually a very stupid roadblock that prevented me from using it (i built it 5 years ago or something like that). anyways, i'm in the process of transferring my files to it as it's the better workstation for my site, music and even game design once i kick any of those off ;_;

saw end of eva in theaters last night. i feel intense melancholy at what was, for me, an almost spiritual experience, knowing it will only last once. i guess that's not how i was supposed to understand it.

first entry of the new year. and on valentine's day. how 'bout that. steam started offering up rpg maker xp for free so i'm taking advantage of that and trying to design my first rpg. once i complete it, i can prove to myself that i'm ready to tackle more ambitious projects. i need to guide myself like the child i am, otherwise i'll continue to be a slave to Impulse. (it's both a blessing and a curse that xp became free the week after i bought 2003. that engine was too archaic and obtuse for me.) i like the colors i chose for my homepage. eye-bleeding-neon-on-black invokes a certain eerie yet nostalgic feeling in me. it reminds me of that one world in yume nikki, with the faces on the floor and repeating rooms. ahhhh~

jailbroke my fat ps3. highly recommend it. there are lots of good, comprehensive videos on it. i recommend running evilnat cobra firmware on it with the multiman homebrew. works like a charm. i've been using FTP to download games on it. i put my armored core iso and converted the save file format so i could pick up where i left off in duckstation. i'm gonna get drakengard and ffxiii running eventually. it's really the ultimate entertainment system now. i'm just hoping it's lifespan is a little longer than my last fat ps3, especially since it's a used one. i think the site might stay like this for a while. i'll update it eventually; i predict an inevitable return. i really should have started it as a basic html blog, but it's too late for that now. maybe i'll come back and level the whole thing, make the cove the main attraction and refurnish everything.

i just haven’t even looked at my site yet. i have some minor changes i made as sort of a half-update to tide things over until the big update, but (lol) i stopped working on them. i’ve just been fucking around. i made a friend!! i was afraid i was being too off-putting or personal but i think that’s just a symptom of having too many normie friends irl and they didn’t even notice. i’m really happy about it cuz im so awkward. maybe there’s some hope for me after all ^_^ im so jealous everyone is playing armored core vi without me !! i feel like it’s ok tho cuz i can just play through the other ones so my appreciation of vi is exponentially greater. see u eventually (❛◡˂̵ ̑̑✧)

i’ve been playing almost exclusively mgsv recently idk what that’s about. i just want to point out how brilliant it is that The Man Who Sold The World is a cover because of Venom Snake’s whole thing and also how it’s implied to be a hypnotic induction. similarly, i like how instead of MGS5 (the naming convention), it’s titled MGSV, another parallel. i really love how much thought Kojima puts into his games. goddddd i just want to finish my site. part of the problem is my old site restricts my ability to add more information about my core interests and characteristics. stuff i want to share with those who still visit now and then. the things that make me *me*. the thing is, i’m caught up in real life. it’s a long story but i can only watch tv, use my PS4, or use my shitty laptop at any given time (it dies super quickly). i’m in the midst of a dnd campaign (i may share some stuff from that later) and also my partner insists on watching tv with me. they’re a bit clingy but i love them dearly so i just go along with them most days. also they get to be because they've had it really rough. we both know it, i just wanted to add context to this entry, otherwise i'd leave that out. basically, working on my site is not working out. but i’ll make it work because ive only just begun here.

schrödinger's girl. nothing in my life really has any significance to me. i feel more alone than ever, outlook very bleak. i don’t feel real. perhaps i feel too real. i see behind the veil now. i traded my sanity for freedom. i fail to express myself in ways that matter. my hopes and dreams died long ago. this is my digital obituary. my haunting grounds. i don’t feel tangible. my presence is faint. i am a ghost. i'm reluctant to give up. i don’t know why i’m still here. something keeps telling me to stay, to persist.

hello again ^_^ i've been taking more time away from my keyboard to spend with loved ones, while also focusing on things that matter to my mental state, such as keeping my room clean and prioritizing self-care. i've been doing a good job at keeping my mind from finding reasons to get anxious, something it does when i don't feel productive or stay happy for too long. that might sound sorta bad but in reality i've been listening to it and approaching it with logic and compassion, telling myself things like "while all of those things are concerning, you are more than capable of tackling them at a slow but steady pace, and eventually you will meet your goals one by one." it wasn't easy getting to this point, and i may relapse into my old habits of anxiety and self-doubt, but i've accepted that as part of the process. i'm still healing. i had been testing some ideas for my new stuff, but today i went in a different direction. every time i try to create a new site, i end up copying large chunks of a better site's code. this bothers me because i want to enjoy the fruits of my own effort, not someone else's. i will admit, this site started out as a template, but it has undergone so many drastic changes it is almost indistinguishable in every way. but, i digress. my intention is to keep improving upon this site, in private, until i am satisfied, in which case i will upload the whole thing to neocities. otherwise, i will start over from scratch. i saw the barbie movie. it was enjoyable. it felt like an ad trying to be more than an ad. ryan gosling and margot robbie were great casting choices. a good comedy, with some feels. it's worth seeing. probably more fun and creative than other movies in theaters here right now, anyways. i still have some qualms, but organizing my thoughts is hard right now. my partner was/is really into barbie, and it made them emotional, so it'll remain special to me for that reason.

still workin on my site. idk why but my brain doesn't want me to. probably just too much work. regardless im going to do something, even if it ends up looking very dumb. i can always start v3 or v2.1 or whatever after i get v2 up i guess. working so hard on my new site (even tho it probably won't reflect how much effort my weakling brain put into it) has caused me to not want to maintain the old one, and i don't have anything interesting to add or blog about rn, so expect longer breaks from updating until i get this shit sorted out. just started armored core from the beginning and woah i fucking love this game!!! not only do i get to play as a mercenary without a moral or political alignment, but upon losing all of my money my character is fused with my mech and given a serial number for a name?? good heavens (๑/////๑ " )

fuck the page refreshed just as i had everything typed up >:( anyways, while working on my site, my significant other drugged me with 100mg of what i thought was delta-8 but was actually thc-p. for reference, these are all cannabinoids, so weed-derived stuff that'll get you high. delta-8 is a mild high (compared to smoking normal shit), but hits fast. delta-9 is twice as strong. thc-p is assumed to be 33x as potent as delta-9. whhhaaaa (๑•﹏•)⋆* ⁑⋆* fuck. i'm a lightweight. no more website stuff, i'm just gonna play ace combat or armored core or something lmao. this is also a normal occurence they're always doing stuff like this it's great tho ngl

playing hitman games a lot. i’ve only completed the WoA trilogy. i went back and tried out codename 47. that game has not aged very well. there is something pleasant about looking up and seeing all four corners of a skybox. i feel like i should strip my site bare. less html. less pages. it would be a surprise to some who followed me for its bells and whistles. i just want things to look cozier and more intimate. i feel like i wanted a personal site and made something else. i had a beer and hot dogs for dinner. i love cheap, bottled beer the most. it never gets me drunk so i usually don’t drink it if i’m trying to celebrate something. i just like the taste. it pairs well with most foods. i came up with an idea for a creative writing entry. i want to explore this kind of expression. i probably won’t finish though. real boring entry today lol

finally made a games page :3 was gonna work on the games page but got caught up watching tiktoks and ryan gosling movies (he’s so dreamy uwu) i basically forced my SO to watch blade runner 2049 w me and they liked it (btw i swear that movie gets better with every rewatch). we tried watching la la land but only got halfway through. i really liked it. i’ll probably talk more on it when i finish and maybe even put a review up. anyways yeah i have a games page !!!!!!!! i’m gonna log my games there, most will have reviews some maybe won’t. i’m gonna play eroges too lol. after all that’s like 90% of pc-98 games. i hope that’s ok to expose my followers to. most of them i think i’ll keep sfw but hey art is art and if i see something i like whether it be cool or hot i’ll prob put it up there. one of the first reviews is gonna be of a downright nasty one but i’ve kept only sfw screenshots, the worst being some dirty jokes. don’t worry about any of that if you don’t like that stuff tho, i like all kinds of games, and i haven’t even scratched the surface. there’s so many classics i haven’t played, such as silent hill or any of the resident evils except for RE2 Remake and like 30 minutes of RE HD. idk why i listed those specifically but yeah most games from that era i’ve missed out on. i have to emulate most of my games and i didn’t really get to play any of the good games when i had a ps1 or xbox before they both died from the inside out. so yeah ill prob play some interesting games. i also just choose weird games to get into so yeah idk i prob wont play your favorite game but it’ll be interesting probably

sketch i did, christmas eve of 2022

i’ve been trying to practice drawing in ibispaint but i have the skill of an infant. this has been such an arduous task for me and i can’t feel myself getting better at all. i just want to make cool graphics for my site (つ﹏⊂) clock tower!!! Σ(°ロ°) clock tower is getting remastered!!!!!!! i’m a huge huge huuuuuge clock tower (snes) fan! i even have a really cool shirt (art from 1000 Dead Draculas) it fills me with excitement knowing it’ll become briefly relevant again. it’s such a good game. even with it’s flaws it still sort of stands the test of time, and now it gets to be ironed out and ported to my favorite modern console of choice! yippee (≧∀≦)!!! tho honestly i don’t know how i feel about Wayforward/LRGs involvement, but i’m sure it’ll turn out good regardless! ,,,and if it isn’t i can just play the game again with the deluxe romhack :P

i’m reading the gundam novels right now. i appreciate the differences from the anime. the world is much more fleshed out and the novel begins with Amuro as a cadet for the EFSF instead of becoming one out of circumstance. everything is described in great detail. war is depicted much more graphically. the novel, at one point in the second chapter, describes the g-force Amuro is put under when he boost jumps in the Gundam, which really immersed me in the setting. it invoked a strange feeling which gave me nostalgia for other classic sci-fi novels i’ve read. i’d say this is a good entry point for western audiences. the zakus that invade side 7 (called zaks in the novel) are white instead of green, which makes me want to start my inevitable gunpla collection with a custom white zaku.

what’s a synonym for manic boredom? like the type of bored where you throw yourself at an activity for a period of time and when it ends you feel a sort of fiery panic within, feeling as if it will last indefinitely. the type of boredom you only feel in a really low mental state. that’s the kind of boredom i’m dealing with right now. it’s sort of why i made this website i think. to help alleviate some of it. it’s not really working for me lately which is why i’ve been away. finding my cliques is hard because i’m paranoid and schizotypal and if i talk to much about specific topics they’ll get me (joke) but i really have delusions that somehow talking about myself publicly will harm me in one way or another and it gets in the way of me broadcasting my unique vibes (like the fact that i’m ΘΔ and ⚧︎). sometimes i feel like i try too hard to be someone i’m not because of this. imposter syndrome in overdrive (ヾ;￣▽￣)ヾ speaking of being ΘΔ, i want to clarify what that means for me in particular. it’s sort of like a mentality. i’m neurodivergent and i tackle concepts and ideas from a very literal perspective. to put it very simply, i accept my own humanity, but i don’t subscribe to a lot of arbitrary bullshit that “humans” believe about themselves. if we collectively phased some of that shit out we’d be better off mentally, physically and spiritually. but we probably won’t, and that will likely be our own downfall somewhere down the line. for that reason, i’m mammal first, human second. it’s like a way for me to remind myself to not let arbitrary bullshit consume my life and ruin what i hold sacred, to act on instinct when need be, to remain pragmatic in the face of dogmatism (at least, that’s what i think i’m trying to say). an act of rebellion, so to speak. i never learned how to draw and i don’t go to any conventions, so it’s more of a secondary characteristic of mine that i’m exploring recently.

so today on the way back from taking my partner to the urgent care clinic we got hit by a car??!!! it totally wasn’t our fault. luckily the damage wasn’t substantial. still crazy tho. talking to insurance was annoying because of all the cars and people trying to talk to me while i was using my partner’s busted phone (mine was dead). it also didn’t help that the person who hit us kept needing to use ours for some reason... anyways so after i drank a lot because Wow!!!! good times (￣ω￣;

art by nunu (@ichigodangao on twitter)

i would do “what i’m listening to” here but i already have a “song of the day” in music so only one of those things will happen to keep consistent. anyways check that out i guess. i got my NES working in the early morning today. it was passed on to me from my parents, who had purchased it for my brother when it was new. i think there is an issue with the 72 pin connector, so i’m getting it replaced with a newly manufactured one. it should last a lot longer. i also plan to purchase the only decent crt in my area, which is going for an incredibly affordable price (10 bucks!!!). after all of that, i’ll work a little harder and save up for a knockoff flash cart that i can import roms with. i want to get the most functionality out of it and cheaply refurbish the entire thing. if i act now, maybe i won’t have to pay hundreds of dollars in the years to come due to the insane price-gauging that comes with anything deemed “retro” by the general populous. the whole transient thing just started one day. the word resonates with me. that’s what we are as human beings, after all: impermanent, constantly on the move. i anticipate the types of people i’ll run into and the places i’ll go on my own journey. such is the way of a transient. getting high is like clearing out brain fog from trauma. my senses are so much clearer. it’s the only time i can truly relax without getting anxious about things i can’t help right now or ever.

yesterday i watched Cardcaptor Sakura with a friend. it came as a surprise because our interests don’t always align, and this time they showed me something new and enjoyable. CLAMP’s older stuff has been catching my eye for some time. i wasn’t that into their newer stuff like Code Geass, but their older stuff kicks ass. they’re really good at whimsical fantasy stuff. wifi will be out for two more days. after being online for so long this feels a little uncomfortable. i managed to get some use out of a mobile hotspot but it’s very bad and i can’t use it for much. it worked just long enough for me to watch Army of Darkness yesterday so that was pretty cool. i’m getting pretty far in Victory Gundam. i’ve been watching all of Gundam blind, in release order. i like the show but even with it’s intriguing plot, pretty animation, good soundtrack and decent characters, it still manages to somehow only be slightly more memorable than ZZ (albeit more fun to watch). i’m hoping it grows on me before the end. i’m on episode 35 and the pace has started to pick up a substantial amount. criticism aside, this show is sorta endearing at times. today was pretty boring. without internet i can’t explore the web, and currently that’s where most of my interest lies. i guess i could pick up reading or something, but my ADHD makes that hard. if there’s no bright colors or music, i just won’t pay attention too long. i still think most of my other priorities are in order, though.