what’s a synonym for manic boredom? like the type of bored where you throw yourself at an activity for a period of time and when it ends you feel a sort of fiery panic within, feeling as if it will last indefinitely. the type of boredom you only feel in a really low mental state. that’s the kind of boredom i’m dealing with right now. it’s sort of why i made this website i think. to help alleviate some of it. it’s not really working for me lately which is why i’ve been away.
finding my cliques is hard because i’m paranoid and schizotypal and if i talk to much about specific topics they’ll get me (joke) but i really have delusions that somehow talking about myself publicly will harm me in one way or another and it gets in the way of me broadcasting my unique vibes (like the fact that i’m ΘΔ and ⚧︎). sometimes i feel like i try too hard to be someone i’m not because of this. imposter syndrome in overdrive (ヾ;￣▽￣)ヾ
speaking of being ΘΔ, i want to clarify what that means for me in particular. it’s sort of like a mentality. i’m neurodivergent and i tackle concepts and ideas from a very literal perspective. to put it very simply, i accept my own humanity, but i don’t subscribe to a lot of arbitrary bullshit that “humans” believe about themselves. if we collectively phased some of that shit out we’d be better off mentally, physically and spiritually. but we probably won’t, and that will likely be our own downfall somewhere down the line. for that reason, i’m mammal first, human second. it’s like a way for me to remind myself to not let arbitrary bullshit consume my life and ruin what i hold sacred, to act on instinct when need be, to remain pragmatic in the face of dogmatism (at least, that’s what i think i’m trying to say). an act of rebellion, so to speak. i never learned how to draw and i don’t go to any conventions, so it’s more of a secondary characteristic of mine that i’m exploring recently.